Why this is difficult...

Oceanside OR - Photos are my own.

Today, I had to actually put to words why it is that I haven't been blogging lately and in doing so it clicked for me.

In the beginning I had big, weighty and distinct problem. I learned coping skills, I searched out like minded people. I had clear and marked milestones... 

I am not going to say I am done, well, completely free. I don't know that fear, doubt, sadness, and anxiety ever stop floating across your brain. The problem now is more subtle and elusive making it harder to describe to you...

I am still here, living. Which is winning.   

Continuing the journey, even when the path is less clear.

The dreaded "Bad Thoughts"

How do you even start coping with a fear of death?

Oh Miss Portlandia, how foreboding.

So as I mentioned in my first post I have been experiencing something I have been calling the "Bad Thoughts". I am so afraid of these thoughts and what they represent to me I gave them a name a two year old might use and, frankly, that's a bad sign.

The "Bad Thoughts" as I briefly mentioned go as follows. 

1. Onset of general anxiety usually near bedtime.
2. Thinking about dying.
3. Trying to imagine what it would be like to experience the phenomenon of not existing anymore.
4. Experience the emotional feedback loop of continuously thinking about what it would be like if I didn't think anymore...
5. Repeat 4 until you cry or vomit or both.

I remember being one of those people who used to think that suicidal tendencies in other was a sign of weakness and that clearly anyone who thought about ending themselves was weak willed. I thought about dying and recoiled at the thought and I just put it out of mind. (My family can do wonders to elevate the art of emotional suppression to a new level.) The first time I experienced the "Bad Thoughts" was actually about ten years ago, during high school, and I have simply ignored it until it became a beast I could not contain anymore. 

This is what scares me. I never have the "Bad Thoughts" during the day until that one morning... I was well into my kick of being the model of domesticity and was dusting nick nacks that we have about the house in the middle of the day. I looked down and some rock that we picked up on a trip to the beach, remembering the trip fondly, then at some other tchotchkes and remembering the attached bit of memory there as well. Then it struck me that the only reason these worthless rocks are even valuable to me is due to the emotional attachment I have created and linked to memories in the past. Then I asked that scary question... 

"What's the point?" 

I'll keep them till I die, them my kids may care enough to hold on to some of them but beyond that? Why am I bothering with these stupid trifles that mean nothing, material possessions mean nothing then? Since when I die I take the only important thing, my memories, with me right? Gone! All in an instant. Again,

"What is the point?"

Well I guess the joke's on me because for the first time ever I felt like I should just die now and not waste the time. Then I remember feeling like I woke from some eery revery and I was appalled. I thought about ending it! What is wrong with me? Then something else sank in that was harrowing... it is sunny out, it's noon... that means that at no time am I safe from these haunting thoughts unless I did something to take my life back from fear.

Why, you may ask, am I sharing this? I decided in that moment to share my fear with my partner and my mother for the first time. I hadn't been sleeping much for nearly a month and a half at this point. I talked to them and found that working some of that out, and out-loud, made it less scary and more manageable. I also found that I had a caring support network around me in my family.

That said I am sitting here writing this instead of sleeping because I feel the anxiety again and is scares me. So I am trying to pour some of it out here. I'd also like to take a moment to recognize that this really isn't a journey I should be taking on my own. I am, however, still unemployed and therapy is out of my means right now. I recommend that if you are in a position to be able to get therapy and you are dealing with things like this, please, do it. There is no shame in it, we all need help from time to time and there isn't a person alive who doesn't have some baggage they wish they didn't have to deal with. 

I still have the anxiety but life is worth living again. I could share with you what my realization was that made life worth living but that won't help you. What are your reasons for enjoying each day to it's fullest? Find it, say it out loud, get excited about it, share it with your loved ones, share it with a stranger. I have so many fears I have a hard time getting pumped about getting out of my door but I realized that what makes life worth living is out there, in the world, waiting for me. So open up, bearing the burden of your fear alone is devastating and isolating. I have learned that tons people have dealt with something like this at some point in their lives or they will. Don't be embarrassed because you are not alone. I mean, you at least have me right?

What is it that is making me so darn Anxious?

First off I'd like to explain when my anxiety spiral started and how it manifested in my life.

Outside my front door, if you know where to look.

In February of this year I was let go from my job. This is where the dramatic music begins in the background. Being let go is, by far, one of the hardest things to happen to me in a while and is still absolutely devastating when i think about it. I'd like to quickly add I was actually 'wrongfully discharged' according to the state of Oregon which is a small ego booster. I am still out of work, though, so the knowledge that I was not at fault is not much of a consolation prize but ultimately that just means I was fired because my boss hated me instead of performance reasons. Its like a game of emotional pick-your-poison.

Fast forward a bit; now I am at home, alone, and I have no idea how to pull my life back together. I am in a phase now where I am barely getting out of bed, I haven't worn 'people' clothes in weeks, my beard has grown about 4 inches in every direction and I smell. This generalized moping carries on for too long then I decide I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and I resolve to get up each day and clean and be the good  domestic helper my partner deserves.

Everything starts feeling fine, I have a routine again, until the panic attacks start. I don't know how you define a panic attack but here is what is is for me:

1. Heart rate increases
2. Overwhelming fear
3. Feeling of the room shrinking
4. Labored breathing
5. Feeling like I am dying...

In the middle of the day, when I am dusting, having a glass of water, it just didn't matter what I was doing they would strike at random. Usually it would pass in moments leaving a generalized sense of panic behind. Also, at about the same period of my life, I started to have an intense fear of dying. This fear was so extreme and prevalent, especially at night when I was lying in bed, that I was unable to fall asleep normally. I would keep busy into the small hours until I was so exhausted that I'd finally fall asleep.

I'd lay in bed and try to imagine what the worst case scenario about dying would be. For me, that was that I would die and there is no afterlife and I just cease to exist. I would try to imagine it, which is a conundrum because you can't visualize what it is like to be non existent. It was like trying to think about what it would be like if I didn't have a brain and therefore could not think... I started calling these the "Bad Thoughts" so I could even avoid talking about it in a direct way lest I start thinking them again.

That is my anxiety, that is what I am dealing with right now at home. That isn't even the full extent of it but it is what I am dealing with right now. Maybe you can sympathize with what I am feeling. Maybe you have a phobia, panic attacks, or maybe you've experienced the "Bad Thoughts" and you are looking for a way to cope. Well so am I... and I'd love to invite you on my journey. I am going to, each week, try something to help alleviate a specific phobia or fear that I have in some way. I will report back what my experiences are and hopefully it will give you an incentive to try it.