Stop it! No, Seriously, stop a minute... read this.

Take a minute and breathe.

All Photos are my own works.

I had to stop a moment, just now, because for just a moment the Portland drizzle let up and the clouds broke.. And with the blue sky to frame the clouds in the sky you have a point of reference to see how freaking fast they are whipping by!

My eyes opened wide and I stared like a goof for a solid minute then I fished out my phone for some photos.

It is really amazing how stopping for a minute and really appreciating the beauty of the world around me can make me feel as though my heart grew two sizes.

I find that so often I am hurdling though my day. I roll out of bed and fall into an outfit and stumble into my car. Impatiently and gracelessly I get to work as fast as possible even though I dread being stuck there. *clink clink clink* swing your pickaxe at the dry, rough, craggy earth of the corporate salt mine for 9 hours. Don't make eye contact, keep your head down until the whistle blows.

Barrel into traffic to see if I can make it across town for before a store closes make it there 5 minutes before they flip the sign… "did she really just glare at me and sigh for walking in here? Does she know what traffic is like!? Ugh.." Grab what you need and slap some money on the counter and dash, just freaking DASH to the next thing.

And… you get the picture. I am living bucket-loads of life man, can't you see that? I mean, it's low quality but I have a ton so that makes up, right?

I feel like this is one part how we live our lives and one part fear of death and a sprinkling of a hyper-speed society making me scurry just a little faster than needs be. When, in reality, I find that it is those moments that I don't think "why is this old lady chatting me up, I have NO time for this…" and instead know that I have time to be kind, I have time to engage and connect and appreciate and that will truly fill my day.

The best days that I can think of are those where I have been open and allowed myself to be swept up in the conversation. When I reach out to a stranger who is eyeballing a cherimoya in the produce department with a look of fear and trepidation and say "those are awesome, totally with a try" and give a big smile and a thumbs up I have fun.

It takes time, it takes effort but by god it makes life so much better. The problem is that you have to stop, you have to slow down, to be able to accomplish these little golden moments and that is hard. It is so hard to step out of the stream of this fast paced life that whips around us and just enjoy the clouds racing by.

P.S. The clouds are still whipping by but it is also sprinkling again but the golden morning sun is hitting the rain and making the world look like it is covered in a layer of gold cellophane.

Why this is difficult...

Oceanside OR - Photos are my own.

Today, I had to actually put to words why it is that I haven't been blogging lately and in doing so it clicked for me.

In the beginning I had big, weighty and distinct problem. I learned coping skills, I searched out like minded people. I had clear and marked milestones... 

I am not going to say I am done, well, completely free. I don't know that fear, doubt, sadness, and anxiety ever stop floating across your brain. The problem now is more subtle and elusive making it harder to describe to you...

I am still here, living. Which is winning.   

Continuing the journey, even when the path is less clear.

Personal Progress: Make Goals - The Bakery

Have you asked yourself "What am I doing that is different?" because you should.

I know what it is like to be stuck in a rut, what it is like to be floundering between angsty hopelessness and abject boredom. Up until now I have never done anything about it and that is changing. Here is my thought process.

 I am living in abject fear with life the way it is now so why should changing something throw the planet out of orbit?

Boredom; this will sound like a Forrest Gump quote but my mother told me something when I was very young that has stuck with me forever. "Bored people are boring people, they aren't interesting enough to even figure out how to entertain themselves." Here is the thing, I am not boring. I am riddled with neurosis so at the very least I am not boring! I can fix this. 

Anxiety; what are you doing right now. Has that magically stopped the anxiety and panic attacks? No? What do you have to lose by changing something in your life? Nothing! 

So what am I doing at home bored if I'm not a boring person and anxious but doing nothing about it? For me the only answer is to get active and force myself to do new things. Obviously I am going to start small. This time I decided to walk to the French Bakery and buy something. That's all, I always walk by and never go there because I never have gone there before (find the logic in that). 

Set small manageable goals that you can accomplish once every week or two. If you are feeling more adventurous then try two or more each week. Make sure you are getting out of your house and experiencing life. Living your live means experiencing it, get out there and make yours memorable.