Stupid and desperate - Drinking to Cope

Yeah we've all had a lick of liquid courage to get through a rough spot but it isn't a healthy crutch.

Appropriate since I went to Bend... and to that brewery...

My mom invited me to go away with her this last weekend and I agreed. We were to leave same day and I was excited but that was short lived, of course. I started to panic. I was leaving my safety net, I was leaving my partner alone for the weekend, I was going to have to get to sleep alone and deal with the "Bad Thoughts" alone. 

It was mostly that one word, I felt 'Alone'. I was freaking out because I would have to go out into the middle of nowhere and be alone with my thoughts... you know what pumpkin? That should scare anybody. 

So here was my masterful frat-boy inspired plan. I would drink until the idea of leaving home didn't feel like it would make my heart explode and I'd like to level with you now. Wow that was a stupid idea and here is why: nobody is fooling anybody when you've had six hearty drinks. You are not 'passing' for normal people..

I immediately felt super self conscious about the fact I was three sheets to the wind and sitting next to my loving, adorable, awesome mother. "What shameful thing have I done?" I thought. "I'm a terrible person." I should explain that when I am that drunk I have an experience that is much like having a completely lucid person riding shotgun who is trying to talk sense into me or in this case, provide real time shame and regret for what I am unable to stop doing... (Side benefit, I never blackout, ever, I always remember in perfect detail what I did and said for-freaking-ever. Yay.)

So I came clean, I told her the thought of leaving home was so terrifying I drank. She said "Duh". So I went on to try to explain what I had been dealing with the last two months and I got to feel something new. Confiding in my mom meant she was able to open up to me about experiences she had and offer excelent advice. I felt stupid. If I had called her and said "I still want to go but I am freaking out, what do I do?" she would have explained and made it easy for me. 

I realised that most of my anxiety is centered around something that scares me that I am trying to keep secret from the world. When I can pluck up the courage to say "This freaks me and and here is why." someone has always been willing to help me and explain. Be honest with your feelings and they won't be able to blackmail you into making awful decisions. Like drinking before going on a three hour road trip with my mother...

Personal Progress: Make Goals - The Bakery

Have you asked yourself "What am I doing that is different?" because you should.

I know what it is like to be stuck in a rut, what it is like to be floundering between angsty hopelessness and abject boredom. Up until now I have never done anything about it and that is changing. Here is my thought process.

 I am living in abject fear with life the way it is now so why should changing something throw the planet out of orbit?

Boredom; this will sound like a Forrest Gump quote but my mother told me something when I was very young that has stuck with me forever. "Bored people are boring people, they aren't interesting enough to even figure out how to entertain themselves." Here is the thing, I am not boring. I am riddled with neurosis so at the very least I am not boring! I can fix this. 

Anxiety; what are you doing right now. Has that magically stopped the anxiety and panic attacks? No? What do you have to lose by changing something in your life? Nothing! 

So what am I doing at home bored if I'm not a boring person and anxious but doing nothing about it? For me the only answer is to get active and force myself to do new things. Obviously I am going to start small. This time I decided to walk to the French Bakery and buy something. That's all, I always walk by and never go there because I never have gone there before (find the logic in that). 

Set small manageable goals that you can accomplish once every week or two. If you are feeling more adventurous then try two or more each week. Make sure you are getting out of your house and experiencing life. Living your live means experiencing it, get out there and make yours memorable.

Coming Unglued: Trapped in the Car without Air!

"Oh my God! Turn on the air vents or I am getting out!"

Yeah, I screamed that to my partner as we were leaving home. Yeah, I did open the door and try to get out of a moving vehicle. Yes, I forgot my seat belt was on. Yes, it was embarrassing...

I have a problem when I am in an area that has no air movement. So, I guess that isn't normal, huh? Well that is what I have been told. For most people that is merely uncomfortable, for a number of people it is what they prefer. For me it is a one way ticket to crazy town. 

Here is the problem. Other people are not aware of the rules of your space and sometimes we aren't either until that panic attack starts to claw its way out of your chest. Often we work with assumption about how thing are supposed to work and we don't fill in those people around us. Sometimes those assumptions or rules are so subconscious for us we don't know how to express them and when they rear their ugly head we are in the grips of fear and can't express them in a positive or constructive way.

Moments like this may happen for you and here is what I am trying to do and I hope it helps:

1. Focus on breathing, keeping your breath under control with careful breathing will occupy some of your attention leaving less of your attention focused on the offending action.
2. Stay calm while addressing others. Other people do not know what is going on in your head and are not aware you are about to freak out and being rude won't get them on your side.  They don't know that by taking their pet rat named Gregory out of its cage that they have just unleashed your worst fear. As long as they aren't being mean and are honestly ignorant of what they have done then they deserve the respect of being addressed civilly.
3. Try to express your fear to whomever is causing it. For me, the problem in the car was apparent from the moment I sat down, I just chose to ignore it rather than "be a bother" to those around me. The problem is that the anxiety kept ramping up, unaddressed, until I came unglued and then I definitely WAS a bother. Asking to have the vent on is not an unreasonable thing and can be easily accommodated. In the situation with the rat Gregory you should speak up immediately once you see it in the cage. "I am terrified of rats, please, can it stay in the cage?" Most people will understand.
4. If 1 through 3 aren't doable, remove yourself until they are. Try removing yourself from the situation if it is safe. If your friend doesn't realize that picking up poor little Gregory is a trigger for you and you can't handle explaining it to him in the moment then leave, regain composure and try talking to your friend away from the trigger so you can explain calmly. 

Make sure the anxiety triggers you are dealing with can be reasonably accommodated. If seeing the color mauve freaks your freak you may want to seek help because asking the world to give that color up is unreasonable. You need to find a way to cope with things as they are. If the crowded line at the grocery store is pushing all your panic buttons and you need a moment to get composure, go for it. If you are afraid of dogs and you are going to a dog owner/lovers house let them know ahead of time and ask if you can just meet there and spend the evening out at a restaurant instead of with Fido. However, asking them to put the pooch away for the whole evening while you stay in and watch movies isn't going to go over well. Make sure you are reasonable and people will meet you half way.