You are not alone!

You have friends and family who want you to succeed!

In my driveway of all places, how amazing.

I visited some friends this past weekend and I had an eye opening experience. Somehow we got on the subject of  fear and anxiety and I 'came clean' with what I am dealing with to some of my friends. Now, I say I 'came clean' about it because I really felt like I had this dirty little secret and that it is something shameful that I needed to hide.

Guess what? I was wrong.

A surprising number of people deal with either a generalized anxiety, phobia, or other more specific problems. In my small inner circle of friends I know two people who deal with different levels of Social Anxiety like I do. I know people who knew exactly what I was talking about when I told them about the "Bad Thoughts" I had had. This may sound sick but I was relieved to know I am not the only person out there dealing with this. It is liberating to know that I am not 'broken' or 'damaged' but that lots of people have at least experienced a period in their lives where they have dealt with problems like these.

My advice on this, for anyone struggling with this on your own, is to talk to somebody about it. I find that when I am feeling the yoke of anxiety resting on my shoulders especially heavily that I tend to crawl into a hidey-hole and I start avoiding contact with my friends. Well guess what peanut, those are the people you need to have a sit down with. 

When I let my friends know what is going on this is what changed for me. (Note: this is a dramatization that is representative of real conversations I have had)

Friend: "Nolan, come over and watch a movie with us, we're going to order pizza and it'll be fun."

Me: "Nah, that's okay. I am kind of tired, I think I'll just have a night in..." *lying because I am feeling morose*

Friend: "Are you in one of your moods again?"

Me: "No..." *Said sounding guilty*

Friend: "This isn't good for you, take a shower and get over here."

Me: "Okay..."

If your friends are aware of what you are going through and especially when they have been through something similar they can help be a support system for you. Remember, don't lean on them so hard that you can't get out of the house without a shove from a friend. But, when they put out a hand to help you up, take it. That's what friends are for, right?

Stupid and desperate - Drinking to Cope

Yeah we've all had a lick of liquid courage to get through a rough spot but it isn't a healthy crutch.

Appropriate since I went to Bend... and to that brewery...

My mom invited me to go away with her this last weekend and I agreed. We were to leave same day and I was excited but that was short lived, of course. I started to panic. I was leaving my safety net, I was leaving my partner alone for the weekend, I was going to have to get to sleep alone and deal with the "Bad Thoughts" alone. 

It was mostly that one word, I felt 'Alone'. I was freaking out because I would have to go out into the middle of nowhere and be alone with my thoughts... you know what pumpkin? That should scare anybody. 

So here was my masterful frat-boy inspired plan. I would drink until the idea of leaving home didn't feel like it would make my heart explode and I'd like to level with you now. Wow that was a stupid idea and here is why: nobody is fooling anybody when you've had six hearty drinks. You are not 'passing' for normal people..

I immediately felt super self conscious about the fact I was three sheets to the wind and sitting next to my loving, adorable, awesome mother. "What shameful thing have I done?" I thought. "I'm a terrible person." I should explain that when I am that drunk I have an experience that is much like having a completely lucid person riding shotgun who is trying to talk sense into me or in this case, provide real time shame and regret for what I am unable to stop doing... (Side benefit, I never blackout, ever, I always remember in perfect detail what I did and said for-freaking-ever. Yay.)

So I came clean, I told her the thought of leaving home was so terrifying I drank. She said "Duh". So I went on to try to explain what I had been dealing with the last two months and I got to feel something new. Confiding in my mom meant she was able to open up to me about experiences she had and offer excelent advice. I felt stupid. If I had called her and said "I still want to go but I am freaking out, what do I do?" she would have explained and made it easy for me. 

I realised that most of my anxiety is centered around something that scares me that I am trying to keep secret from the world. When I can pluck up the courage to say "This freaks me and and here is why." someone has always been willing to help me and explain. Be honest with your feelings and they won't be able to blackmail you into making awful decisions. Like drinking before going on a three hour road trip with my mother...

What is it that is making me so darn Anxious?

First off I'd like to explain when my anxiety spiral started and how it manifested in my life.

Outside my front door, if you know where to look.

In February of this year I was let go from my job. This is where the dramatic music begins in the background. Being let go is, by far, one of the hardest things to happen to me in a while and is still absolutely devastating when i think about it. I'd like to quickly add I was actually 'wrongfully discharged' according to the state of Oregon which is a small ego booster. I am still out of work, though, so the knowledge that I was not at fault is not much of a consolation prize but ultimately that just means I was fired because my boss hated me instead of performance reasons. Its like a game of emotional pick-your-poison.

Fast forward a bit; now I am at home, alone, and I have no idea how to pull my life back together. I am in a phase now where I am barely getting out of bed, I haven't worn 'people' clothes in weeks, my beard has grown about 4 inches in every direction and I smell. This generalized moping carries on for too long then I decide I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and I resolve to get up each day and clean and be the good  domestic helper my partner deserves.

Everything starts feeling fine, I have a routine again, until the panic attacks start. I don't know how you define a panic attack but here is what is is for me:

1. Heart rate increases
2. Overwhelming fear
3. Feeling of the room shrinking
4. Labored breathing
5. Feeling like I am dying...

In the middle of the day, when I am dusting, having a glass of water, it just didn't matter what I was doing they would strike at random. Usually it would pass in moments leaving a generalized sense of panic behind. Also, at about the same period of my life, I started to have an intense fear of dying. This fear was so extreme and prevalent, especially at night when I was lying in bed, that I was unable to fall asleep normally. I would keep busy into the small hours until I was so exhausted that I'd finally fall asleep.

I'd lay in bed and try to imagine what the worst case scenario about dying would be. For me, that was that I would die and there is no afterlife and I just cease to exist. I would try to imagine it, which is a conundrum because you can't visualize what it is like to be non existent. It was like trying to think about what it would be like if I didn't have a brain and therefore could not think... I started calling these the "Bad Thoughts" so I could even avoid talking about it in a direct way lest I start thinking them again.

That is my anxiety, that is what I am dealing with right now at home. That isn't even the full extent of it but it is what I am dealing with right now. Maybe you can sympathize with what I am feeling. Maybe you have a phobia, panic attacks, or maybe you've experienced the "Bad Thoughts" and you are looking for a way to cope. Well so am I... and I'd love to invite you on my journey. I am going to, each week, try something to help alleviate a specific phobia or fear that I have in some way. I will report back what my experiences are and hopefully it will give you an incentive to try it.