Stop it! No, Seriously, stop a minute... read this.

Take a minute and breathe.

All Photos are my own works.

I had to stop a moment, just now, because for just a moment the Portland drizzle let up and the clouds broke.. And with the blue sky to frame the clouds in the sky you have a point of reference to see how freaking fast they are whipping by!

My eyes opened wide and I stared like a goof for a solid minute then I fished out my phone for some photos.

It is really amazing how stopping for a minute and really appreciating the beauty of the world around me can make me feel as though my heart grew two sizes.

I find that so often I am hurdling though my day. I roll out of bed and fall into an outfit and stumble into my car. Impatiently and gracelessly I get to work as fast as possible even though I dread being stuck there. *clink clink clink* swing your pickaxe at the dry, rough, craggy earth of the corporate salt mine for 9 hours. Don't make eye contact, keep your head down until the whistle blows.

Barrel into traffic to see if I can make it across town for before a store closes make it there 5 minutes before they flip the sign… "did she really just glare at me and sigh for walking in here? Does she know what traffic is like!? Ugh.." Grab what you need and slap some money on the counter and dash, just freaking DASH to the next thing.

And… you get the picture. I am living bucket-loads of life man, can't you see that? I mean, it's low quality but I have a ton so that makes up, right?

I feel like this is one part how we live our lives and one part fear of death and a sprinkling of a hyper-speed society making me scurry just a little faster than needs be. When, in reality, I find that it is those moments that I don't think "why is this old lady chatting me up, I have NO time for this…" and instead know that I have time to be kind, I have time to engage and connect and appreciate and that will truly fill my day.

The best days that I can think of are those where I have been open and allowed myself to be swept up in the conversation. When I reach out to a stranger who is eyeballing a cherimoya in the produce department with a look of fear and trepidation and say "those are awesome, totally with a try" and give a big smile and a thumbs up I have fun.

It takes time, it takes effort but by god it makes life so much better. The problem is that you have to stop, you have to slow down, to be able to accomplish these little golden moments and that is hard. It is so hard to step out of the stream of this fast paced life that whips around us and just enjoy the clouds racing by.

P.S. The clouds are still whipping by but it is also sprinkling again but the golden morning sun is hitting the rain and making the world look like it is covered in a layer of gold cellophane.

Why this is difficult...

Oceanside OR - Photos are my own.

Today, I had to actually put to words why it is that I haven't been blogging lately and in doing so it clicked for me.

In the beginning I had big, weighty and distinct problem. I learned coping skills, I searched out like minded people. I had clear and marked milestones... 

I am not going to say I am done, well, completely free. I don't know that fear, doubt, sadness, and anxiety ever stop floating across your brain. The problem now is more subtle and elusive making it harder to describe to you...

I am still here, living. Which is winning.   

Continuing the journey, even when the path is less clear.

Picture Time

Doesn't a Sunrise feel appropriate for the re-start of a project?

Sunrise over forest Park as Seen from Swan Island, Portland

I am working, right now, on the next article to be released and I am trying to wrangle myself into committing to a blogging schedule. I would like twice a month postings moving up in frequency from there but we will see.

In the meantime, enjoy the Portland Sunrise,

Not gone... just thinking.

My dear friends,

I am not gone, I have just been busy... living life. Which, considering my previous posts, is a good thing.

I am arrived at the realization that anxiety doesn't just go away no matter how much you worked (past tense important) on it. It is about changing how you live your life, today, and every day forward wherein you work at it and acknowledge that life isn't always laid down for you, at your feet, like a red carpet. And who wants that anyhow.

I don't.

I want the trail, the brambles, the thorny way that pushes back. That nicks away at the unformed piece of clay we are to ourselves until, through challenge and heartache and persisting, I will be able to look into the mirror and see, truly and honestly, the real me.

So this blog isn't done... not by a long shot.

I am back.

Whether you would have me or not.

Is this Social Anxiety? - Part 2

So I survived the grocery store but only just.

Okay I know that to you non-sufferers (who I hope are reading also) this sounds silly but, trust me, it is not. Willingly going into a situation that is going to be crammed with people, and the carts, and everything! Well, it just isn't that simple.

Here are some things that freak me out and how I am managing them.

First:

My partner touches all the fruits and vegetables in the store. He touches the potatoes, the onions, and the carrots because we have to purchase and eat them, yeah that is simple. He also touches the kohlrabi, avocado, brussel sprouts and fava beans. I couldn't pay him to eat them so why on earth must he touch it all!?! I start hyperventilating and become the shrill harpy that nobody wants for a spouse. So here is what has helped. Break it down now!

1. Why does this bother me? Because I feel others are looking at him and judging me by his behavior. Simple enough.
2. Are people really judging you? Look around. What is everyone else actually doing. They are shopping, corralling their kids, and trying to get on with their lives. The average person is too self absorbed to notice you much less care you picked up that eggplant. 
3. Is his behavior unreasonable? Initially I answered this one YES!!! but stop, breath and think it through... Well who else touches all the produce? The stock people, children of all ages, old people, uh... everybody. Does the smart person, knowing this, eat their produce without washing them? No! Then why does it matter? ... I hate it when I stump myself.

So here is where I had to stop and think; if his behavior is completely reasonable then mine is not. I need to figure out how to handle this. I tried to tell myself it was okay and ignore it but that just made the inevitable shrieks that much shriller when they broke through. So my solution. Touch the produce, do it, just touch it myself and see if the world stops. (which it didn't)

I know this one seems trivial but it made the thought of going to a crowded noisy place which is difficult on the best of days seem that much more daunting and the process is applicable in other places as well. I have taken to breaking each part of the larger experience down and I am asking myself why it bothers me. I try to find the reason and it can be tough since so many reactions we have are so emotional and instant. 

I have a hard time trying new places : Get the menu online, or outside the restaurant window. Once inside ask the waitress/cashier/whoever works there "This is my first time here. How does this work?". Watch as they do NOT whip around to perform the dreaded Point-and-Laugh maneuver. Instead they will help you. Ask for help.

I freak when someone tries to hold a conversation with me in the checkout line :  Look around, everyone else is. They don't even care you can hear them badmouthing their baby sitter or griping about their boss. They won't even care that you are having a life of your own either. Just try it!

The whole point is that to start combating your anxiety you have to pick up the sword. You must be willing to try something, anything that may help. This may mean some introspection as to what the root of your issue may be. You may even need to get a friend or loved one in on the conversation so they can provide ideas. Problems don't just go away you have to work at making them better.

P.S.

After the post this morning I went to get ready. My partner enters the room and says "so you're lying to me..." clearly just having read my blog. He smiles, and we have a great talk...

This is the aspect I never thought about when I started writing all of this down. A couple of friends came over this evening and said something wonderful; The person who lives with the anxiety sufferer has no idea what that is like, what the thought process is. I see this paving the way for lots of good discussion in the future.

Is this Social Anxiety? - Part 1

I am completely terrible at doing new things! Mostly because they scare me...

Portland City Hall, from Pioneer Courthouse Square

So what is it that keeps me from doing new things? Well I know it is a form of a social anxiety, or rather, anxiety brought on by social situations. I am not sure if that is the same thing or not but from the perspective of the person who is feeling it I'd have to say the difference is probably too small to fuss over. So what do I mean when I say, the very vague, statement "social settings make me anxious."? Here is an example of what it is like to be in my head and walking down the street.

"I hear laughing, are they laughing at me? No, they are pointing at something else. Oh my god, it's a group of very attractive people. I wish I looked like that, I am sure they are judging me, I want to crawl into a hole and escape to escape their attention..." The walking down the street diatribe that runs through my brain is a low buzzing sense of unease. It is mostly a combination of "how is everyone judging me?" and "I hate myself.". All-in-all it is fairly terrible for the self esteem. It is like having a snarky, degrading monkey riding my back at all times. So to sum up, I have insecurity issues.

All of this is fairly manageable and I still manage to go on walks fairly often despite what I have to put up with. The problem arises when I am with someone else and for this example I will be using my partner.

So I'm walking down the street with him and we are holding a light conversation all the while the Hate Monkey on my back is whispering into my ear, most of which, I push away and try to ignore. There are cars driving by and that noise gets added as well as the conversation from the people behind me, I begin to wonder if we are going too slowly and they'd like to pass us. I notice my clothes are chaffing and that mental 'Noise' gets added too. Eventually it can get to be so much I don't have enough attention to form a coherent thought any more and I start to unravel. And I haven't even started the anxiety portion yet.

Then he says "Let's go to this new restaurant!" and full blown anxiety starts in and I've realized most of it is caused from not knowing how this place works. Is it an order-wait-for-your-food type place, a 'sit down', is it expensive, will I know what to order, etcetera... it becomes so overwhelming I just say 'No, I don't want to go there.' and I start lying... fast and easy the excuses come: I don't like that kind of food, I really wanted 'x', I am not hungry and if I am called out on it then comes phase 2 of plan "don't step foot in there, its scary." I get angry and start an argument. 

I know this isn't healthy. I know I need to get a handle on it and I am trying to figure out how. All my life I have been using little stop-gap measures like the excuses to avoid being in situations like this rather than dealing with it. I am tired of being the person who is the downer, who always ruins the fun for others. I am done slapping bandages onto my hurt and I am ready to heal. There are some things that work and others that don't but I will be trying... It's when you stop trying and give in to despair that your anxiety rules you and I am done being subjugated by it.

This is a taste of what I deal with. It is my burden that I've never really shared with anyone, not even my partner. It feels too personal to put down into text but the more of these posts I write I realize how cathartic it is to get it out there and share. I am going to follow up with part 2 this afternoon after I get done with one social situation that usually triggers a couple episodes of anxiety, the grocery store. Then I will discuss how I cope, how I mitigate and manage so that I can still get out of the house and get things done.

Just a Photo - Enjoy