Why this is difficult...

Oceanside OR - Photos are my own.

Today, I had to actually put to words why it is that I haven't been blogging lately and in doing so it clicked for me.

In the beginning I had big, weighty and distinct problem. I learned coping skills, I searched out like minded people. I had clear and marked milestones... 

I am not going to say I am done, well, completely free. I don't know that fear, doubt, sadness, and anxiety ever stop floating across your brain. The problem now is more subtle and elusive making it harder to describe to you...

I am still here, living. Which is winning.   

Continuing the journey, even when the path is less clear.

Not gone... just thinking.

My dear friends,

I am not gone, I have just been busy... living life. Which, considering my previous posts, is a good thing.

I am arrived at the realization that anxiety doesn't just go away no matter how much you worked (past tense important) on it. It is about changing how you live your life, today, and every day forward wherein you work at it and acknowledge that life isn't always laid down for you, at your feet, like a red carpet. And who wants that anyhow.

I don't.

I want the trail, the brambles, the thorny way that pushes back. That nicks away at the unformed piece of clay we are to ourselves until, through challenge and heartache and persisting, I will be able to look into the mirror and see, truly and honestly, the real me.

So this blog isn't done... not by a long shot.

I am back.

Whether you would have me or not.

Is this Social Anxiety? - Part 1

I am completely terrible at doing new things! Mostly because they scare me...

Portland City Hall, from Pioneer Courthouse Square

So what is it that keeps me from doing new things? Well I know it is a form of a social anxiety, or rather, anxiety brought on by social situations. I am not sure if that is the same thing or not but from the perspective of the person who is feeling it I'd have to say the difference is probably too small to fuss over. So what do I mean when I say, the very vague, statement "social settings make me anxious."? Here is an example of what it is like to be in my head and walking down the street.

"I hear laughing, are they laughing at me? No, they are pointing at something else. Oh my god, it's a group of very attractive people. I wish I looked like that, I am sure they are judging me, I want to crawl into a hole and escape to escape their attention..." The walking down the street diatribe that runs through my brain is a low buzzing sense of unease. It is mostly a combination of "how is everyone judging me?" and "I hate myself.". All-in-all it is fairly terrible for the self esteem. It is like having a snarky, degrading monkey riding my back at all times. So to sum up, I have insecurity issues.

All of this is fairly manageable and I still manage to go on walks fairly often despite what I have to put up with. The problem arises when I am with someone else and for this example I will be using my partner.

So I'm walking down the street with him and we are holding a light conversation all the while the Hate Monkey on my back is whispering into my ear, most of which, I push away and try to ignore. There are cars driving by and that noise gets added as well as the conversation from the people behind me, I begin to wonder if we are going too slowly and they'd like to pass us. I notice my clothes are chaffing and that mental 'Noise' gets added too. Eventually it can get to be so much I don't have enough attention to form a coherent thought any more and I start to unravel. And I haven't even started the anxiety portion yet.

Then he says "Let's go to this new restaurant!" and full blown anxiety starts in and I've realized most of it is caused from not knowing how this place works. Is it an order-wait-for-your-food type place, a 'sit down', is it expensive, will I know what to order, etcetera... it becomes so overwhelming I just say 'No, I don't want to go there.' and I start lying... fast and easy the excuses come: I don't like that kind of food, I really wanted 'x', I am not hungry and if I am called out on it then comes phase 2 of plan "don't step foot in there, its scary." I get angry and start an argument. 

I know this isn't healthy. I know I need to get a handle on it and I am trying to figure out how. All my life I have been using little stop-gap measures like the excuses to avoid being in situations like this rather than dealing with it. I am tired of being the person who is the downer, who always ruins the fun for others. I am done slapping bandages onto my hurt and I am ready to heal. There are some things that work and others that don't but I will be trying... It's when you stop trying and give in to despair that your anxiety rules you and I am done being subjugated by it.

This is a taste of what I deal with. It is my burden that I've never really shared with anyone, not even my partner. It feels too personal to put down into text but the more of these posts I write I realize how cathartic it is to get it out there and share. I am going to follow up with part 2 this afternoon after I get done with one social situation that usually triggers a couple episodes of anxiety, the grocery store. Then I will discuss how I cope, how I mitigate and manage so that I can still get out of the house and get things done.

Enter Depression, Stage Left - Dealing with conditions, or mood swings?

Must... not... eat... my... feelings...!

Camelia and a hundred year old horse tie-off near my home.

Have you ever had one of those days? One of those days where it feels like someone put a mute on everything. The color dulls, the sounds are less brilliant and all you feel is sad.

Well my friends, that was today. 

I feel, personally, that conditions like depression are over diagnosed in our day and age. So I am not saying that I have depression but that is what I felt today, all day. I am sure you will say "isn't that an overly fine distinction?", and I would answer a resounding "NO!". In fact I feel that the distinction between the two makes the world. You are allowed to be depressed without having depression.

You may feel the grips of a depressing mood overtake you once in awhile but that doesn't mean you need mood stabilizers or antidepressants. What that means is you feel down once in awhile and you need to learn how to pull yourself up or how to batten down the hatches. Whatever works for you. 

I deal with mood swings, a lot, so I have learned a trick or two that I can share and maybe they can help you.

Method One: Acknowledge, Identify, Manage. This works well for me when I am feeling sudden rage since anger has physical symptoms that are easy to identify like increased heart rate (like an adrenaline pump) and a warm sensation. Using this to combat sudden sadness has a finesse that has, as of yet, eluded me. 

1. Acknowledge what it is that you are feeling. Have you ever been absolutely irate suddenly and not noticed what triggered it? Slow down for a minute and say, out loud if you need to "I am really angry right now..." For me, acknowledging the emotion makes it into something I can deal with in the moment. 
2. Identify the source of your irritant. Ask yourself, and try to be objective, "is there a good reason that I am feeling this emotion?" If you answer is No, then you need to assess the situation and move onto step three. If you have legitimate cause to be angry ask yourself if your response is proportionate to the problem at hand. You may still need to scale back a bit. 
3. Manage your self and how you interact with others. You may want to try some calming exercise or remove yourself until you can cope. Politely excuse yourself and take a mental inventory of the situation and then once you have regained control go back to business. Make apologies as needed.

Remember that, again, other people may not be aware of the situation brewing inside you and that ultimately they are innocent bystanders. Most people in my family are diagnosed bipolar so I learned from watching my Dad go from jovial and happy to rampaging and throwing drawers out and onto the floor and screaming at his children with no apparent gradation between. I have been talking to people and then suddenly start shouting because everything just pissed me off only to realize I was the one at fault and I had actually scared people I cared about.

Method Two: Escape Clause. Sadness on the other hand is a tricky adversary. It sneaks up like a crafty gauze sheet (known to be the craftiest of the fabrics) and cast a pallor over your day without you realizing it. Usually for me I figure it out somewhere between the sudden bursts of tears and eating half a jar of peanut butter during the 176th replay of Under the Tuscan Sun. This starts the same way as method one but for me it takes a helping hand also.

1. Acknowledge what it is that you are feeling. As always the first step in dealing with your problems is being aware of them. Stating the obvious may seem... obvious, but do it anyways. It is a real kick in the pants to hear out of your sobbing, chocolate bar smeared face come the words "I am sad and I don't know why." 
2. Do something, right now! I don't care what it is, anything. Grab your coat and go walking. Jump in the car and go somewhere. Pick up the phone and call a loved one. Just anything before you slip back under the covers or start chugging chocolate syrup you need to break the spell. 
3. Pick something that makes you smile, or better yet do something that makes someone else smile. I call my spouse and whine out a uber pathetic "I'm so sad and I don't know why..." and he comes to my rescue. I take the dogs for a walk. Go to the grocery store and get your loved ones favorite food for dinner. I write in this blog. Doing something productive that isn't for me makes me feel good. Cleaning house makes me feel good too since it make my spouse deliriously happy (except there is nothing left to do). The long and short of it is that activity will break the spell. At least is does for me. 

Sometimes I just don't have the energy and I call my hubby and sob until he gets what's going on and he helps me out. He takes me to dinner or just generally spoils me with love and if that doesn't work he throws up his hands and says "I don't know what to do, I tried my best. I'm going to go watch tv." If you are someone who suffers from this once in awhile then set up resources for yourself when you aren't sad and prepare. Make a "weepy day kit" or have that one great friend who is up for anything on speed dial. If you experience this frequently or daily then muffin, you need a therapist and probably a doctor too. Remember that taking medicine can alleviate the symptom of a problem but therapy will give you tools to cope for a lifetime. I just wish I could afford it. 

Stupid and desperate - Drinking to Cope

Yeah we've all had a lick of liquid courage to get through a rough spot but it isn't a healthy crutch.

Appropriate since I went to Bend... and to that brewery...

My mom invited me to go away with her this last weekend and I agreed. We were to leave same day and I was excited but that was short lived, of course. I started to panic. I was leaving my safety net, I was leaving my partner alone for the weekend, I was going to have to get to sleep alone and deal with the "Bad Thoughts" alone. 

It was mostly that one word, I felt 'Alone'. I was freaking out because I would have to go out into the middle of nowhere and be alone with my thoughts... you know what pumpkin? That should scare anybody. 

So here was my masterful frat-boy inspired plan. I would drink until the idea of leaving home didn't feel like it would make my heart explode and I'd like to level with you now. Wow that was a stupid idea and here is why: nobody is fooling anybody when you've had six hearty drinks. You are not 'passing' for normal people..

I immediately felt super self conscious about the fact I was three sheets to the wind and sitting next to my loving, adorable, awesome mother. "What shameful thing have I done?" I thought. "I'm a terrible person." I should explain that when I am that drunk I have an experience that is much like having a completely lucid person riding shotgun who is trying to talk sense into me or in this case, provide real time shame and regret for what I am unable to stop doing... (Side benefit, I never blackout, ever, I always remember in perfect detail what I did and said for-freaking-ever. Yay.)

So I came clean, I told her the thought of leaving home was so terrifying I drank. She said "Duh". So I went on to try to explain what I had been dealing with the last two months and I got to feel something new. Confiding in my mom meant she was able to open up to me about experiences she had and offer excelent advice. I felt stupid. If I had called her and said "I still want to go but I am freaking out, what do I do?" she would have explained and made it easy for me. 

I realised that most of my anxiety is centered around something that scares me that I am trying to keep secret from the world. When I can pluck up the courage to say "This freaks me and and here is why." someone has always been willing to help me and explain. Be honest with your feelings and they won't be able to blackmail you into making awful decisions. Like drinking before going on a three hour road trip with my mother...

Coming Unglued: Trapped in the Car without Air!

"Oh my God! Turn on the air vents or I am getting out!"

Yeah, I screamed that to my partner as we were leaving home. Yeah, I did open the door and try to get out of a moving vehicle. Yes, I forgot my seat belt was on. Yes, it was embarrassing...

I have a problem when I am in an area that has no air movement. So, I guess that isn't normal, huh? Well that is what I have been told. For most people that is merely uncomfortable, for a number of people it is what they prefer. For me it is a one way ticket to crazy town. 

Here is the problem. Other people are not aware of the rules of your space and sometimes we aren't either until that panic attack starts to claw its way out of your chest. Often we work with assumption about how thing are supposed to work and we don't fill in those people around us. Sometimes those assumptions or rules are so subconscious for us we don't know how to express them and when they rear their ugly head we are in the grips of fear and can't express them in a positive or constructive way.

Moments like this may happen for you and here is what I am trying to do and I hope it helps:

1. Focus on breathing, keeping your breath under control with careful breathing will occupy some of your attention leaving less of your attention focused on the offending action.
2. Stay calm while addressing others. Other people do not know what is going on in your head and are not aware you are about to freak out and being rude won't get them on your side.  They don't know that by taking their pet rat named Gregory out of its cage that they have just unleashed your worst fear. As long as they aren't being mean and are honestly ignorant of what they have done then they deserve the respect of being addressed civilly.
3. Try to express your fear to whomever is causing it. For me, the problem in the car was apparent from the moment I sat down, I just chose to ignore it rather than "be a bother" to those around me. The problem is that the anxiety kept ramping up, unaddressed, until I came unglued and then I definitely WAS a bother. Asking to have the vent on is not an unreasonable thing and can be easily accommodated. In the situation with the rat Gregory you should speak up immediately once you see it in the cage. "I am terrified of rats, please, can it stay in the cage?" Most people will understand.
4. If 1 through 3 aren't doable, remove yourself until they are. Try removing yourself from the situation if it is safe. If your friend doesn't realize that picking up poor little Gregory is a trigger for you and you can't handle explaining it to him in the moment then leave, regain composure and try talking to your friend away from the trigger so you can explain calmly. 

Make sure the anxiety triggers you are dealing with can be reasonably accommodated. If seeing the color mauve freaks your freak you may want to seek help because asking the world to give that color up is unreasonable. You need to find a way to cope with things as they are. If the crowded line at the grocery store is pushing all your panic buttons and you need a moment to get composure, go for it. If you are afraid of dogs and you are going to a dog owner/lovers house let them know ahead of time and ask if you can just meet there and spend the evening out at a restaurant instead of with Fido. However, asking them to put the pooch away for the whole evening while you stay in and watch movies isn't going to go over well. Make sure you are reasonable and people will meet you half way.

What is it that is making me so darn Anxious?

First off I'd like to explain when my anxiety spiral started and how it manifested in my life.

Outside my front door, if you know where to look.

In February of this year I was let go from my job. This is where the dramatic music begins in the background. Being let go is, by far, one of the hardest things to happen to me in a while and is still absolutely devastating when i think about it. I'd like to quickly add I was actually 'wrongfully discharged' according to the state of Oregon which is a small ego booster. I am still out of work, though, so the knowledge that I was not at fault is not much of a consolation prize but ultimately that just means I was fired because my boss hated me instead of performance reasons. Its like a game of emotional pick-your-poison.

Fast forward a bit; now I am at home, alone, and I have no idea how to pull my life back together. I am in a phase now where I am barely getting out of bed, I haven't worn 'people' clothes in weeks, my beard has grown about 4 inches in every direction and I smell. This generalized moping carries on for too long then I decide I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and I resolve to get up each day and clean and be the good  domestic helper my partner deserves.

Everything starts feeling fine, I have a routine again, until the panic attacks start. I don't know how you define a panic attack but here is what is is for me:

1. Heart rate increases
2. Overwhelming fear
3. Feeling of the room shrinking
4. Labored breathing
5. Feeling like I am dying...

In the middle of the day, when I am dusting, having a glass of water, it just didn't matter what I was doing they would strike at random. Usually it would pass in moments leaving a generalized sense of panic behind. Also, at about the same period of my life, I started to have an intense fear of dying. This fear was so extreme and prevalent, especially at night when I was lying in bed, that I was unable to fall asleep normally. I would keep busy into the small hours until I was so exhausted that I'd finally fall asleep.

I'd lay in bed and try to imagine what the worst case scenario about dying would be. For me, that was that I would die and there is no afterlife and I just cease to exist. I would try to imagine it, which is a conundrum because you can't visualize what it is like to be non existent. It was like trying to think about what it would be like if I didn't have a brain and therefore could not think... I started calling these the "Bad Thoughts" so I could even avoid talking about it in a direct way lest I start thinking them again.

That is my anxiety, that is what I am dealing with right now at home. That isn't even the full extent of it but it is what I am dealing with right now. Maybe you can sympathize with what I am feeling. Maybe you have a phobia, panic attacks, or maybe you've experienced the "Bad Thoughts" and you are looking for a way to cope. Well so am I... and I'd love to invite you on my journey. I am going to, each week, try something to help alleviate a specific phobia or fear that I have in some way. I will report back what my experiences are and hopefully it will give you an incentive to try it.