Stop it! No, Seriously, stop a minute... read this.

Take a minute and breathe.

All Photos are my own works.

I had to stop a moment, just now, because for just a moment the Portland drizzle let up and the clouds broke.. And with the blue sky to frame the clouds in the sky you have a point of reference to see how freaking fast they are whipping by!

My eyes opened wide and I stared like a goof for a solid minute then I fished out my phone for some photos.

It is really amazing how stopping for a minute and really appreciating the beauty of the world around me can make me feel as though my heart grew two sizes.

I find that so often I am hurdling though my day. I roll out of bed and fall into an outfit and stumble into my car. Impatiently and gracelessly I get to work as fast as possible even though I dread being stuck there. *clink clink clink* swing your pickaxe at the dry, rough, craggy earth of the corporate salt mine for 9 hours. Don't make eye contact, keep your head down until the whistle blows.

Barrel into traffic to see if I can make it across town for before a store closes make it there 5 minutes before they flip the sign… "did she really just glare at me and sigh for walking in here? Does she know what traffic is like!? Ugh.." Grab what you need and slap some money on the counter and dash, just freaking DASH to the next thing.

And… you get the picture. I am living bucket-loads of life man, can't you see that? I mean, it's low quality but I have a ton so that makes up, right?

I feel like this is one part how we live our lives and one part fear of death and a sprinkling of a hyper-speed society making me scurry just a little faster than needs be. When, in reality, I find that it is those moments that I don't think "why is this old lady chatting me up, I have NO time for this…" and instead know that I have time to be kind, I have time to engage and connect and appreciate and that will truly fill my day.

The best days that I can think of are those where I have been open and allowed myself to be swept up in the conversation. When I reach out to a stranger who is eyeballing a cherimoya in the produce department with a look of fear and trepidation and say "those are awesome, totally with a try" and give a big smile and a thumbs up I have fun.

It takes time, it takes effort but by god it makes life so much better. The problem is that you have to stop, you have to slow down, to be able to accomplish these little golden moments and that is hard. It is so hard to step out of the stream of this fast paced life that whips around us and just enjoy the clouds racing by.

P.S. The clouds are still whipping by but it is also sprinkling again but the golden morning sun is hitting the rain and making the world look like it is covered in a layer of gold cellophane.

Why this is difficult...

Oceanside OR - Photos are my own.

Today, I had to actually put to words why it is that I haven't been blogging lately and in doing so it clicked for me.

In the beginning I had big, weighty and distinct problem. I learned coping skills, I searched out like minded people. I had clear and marked milestones... 

I am not going to say I am done, well, completely free. I don't know that fear, doubt, sadness, and anxiety ever stop floating across your brain. The problem now is more subtle and elusive making it harder to describe to you...

I am still here, living. Which is winning.   

Continuing the journey, even when the path is less clear.

Not gone... just thinking.

My dear friends,

I am not gone, I have just been busy... living life. Which, considering my previous posts, is a good thing.

I am arrived at the realization that anxiety doesn't just go away no matter how much you worked (past tense important) on it. It is about changing how you live your life, today, and every day forward wherein you work at it and acknowledge that life isn't always laid down for you, at your feet, like a red carpet. And who wants that anyhow.

I don't.

I want the trail, the brambles, the thorny way that pushes back. That nicks away at the unformed piece of clay we are to ourselves until, through challenge and heartache and persisting, I will be able to look into the mirror and see, truly and honestly, the real me.

So this blog isn't done... not by a long shot.

I am back.

Whether you would have me or not.

Is this Social Anxiety? - Part 1

I am completely terrible at doing new things! Mostly because they scare me...

Portland City Hall, from Pioneer Courthouse Square

So what is it that keeps me from doing new things? Well I know it is a form of a social anxiety, or rather, anxiety brought on by social situations. I am not sure if that is the same thing or not but from the perspective of the person who is feeling it I'd have to say the difference is probably too small to fuss over. So what do I mean when I say, the very vague, statement "social settings make me anxious."? Here is an example of what it is like to be in my head and walking down the street.

"I hear laughing, are they laughing at me? No, they are pointing at something else. Oh my god, it's a group of very attractive people. I wish I looked like that, I am sure they are judging me, I want to crawl into a hole and escape to escape their attention..." The walking down the street diatribe that runs through my brain is a low buzzing sense of unease. It is mostly a combination of "how is everyone judging me?" and "I hate myself.". All-in-all it is fairly terrible for the self esteem. It is like having a snarky, degrading monkey riding my back at all times. So to sum up, I have insecurity issues.

All of this is fairly manageable and I still manage to go on walks fairly often despite what I have to put up with. The problem arises when I am with someone else and for this example I will be using my partner.

So I'm walking down the street with him and we are holding a light conversation all the while the Hate Monkey on my back is whispering into my ear, most of which, I push away and try to ignore. There are cars driving by and that noise gets added as well as the conversation from the people behind me, I begin to wonder if we are going too slowly and they'd like to pass us. I notice my clothes are chaffing and that mental 'Noise' gets added too. Eventually it can get to be so much I don't have enough attention to form a coherent thought any more and I start to unravel. And I haven't even started the anxiety portion yet.

Then he says "Let's go to this new restaurant!" and full blown anxiety starts in and I've realized most of it is caused from not knowing how this place works. Is it an order-wait-for-your-food type place, a 'sit down', is it expensive, will I know what to order, etcetera... it becomes so overwhelming I just say 'No, I don't want to go there.' and I start lying... fast and easy the excuses come: I don't like that kind of food, I really wanted 'x', I am not hungry and if I am called out on it then comes phase 2 of plan "don't step foot in there, its scary." I get angry and start an argument. 

I know this isn't healthy. I know I need to get a handle on it and I am trying to figure out how. All my life I have been using little stop-gap measures like the excuses to avoid being in situations like this rather than dealing with it. I am tired of being the person who is the downer, who always ruins the fun for others. I am done slapping bandages onto my hurt and I am ready to heal. There are some things that work and others that don't but I will be trying... It's when you stop trying and give in to despair that your anxiety rules you and I am done being subjugated by it.

This is a taste of what I deal with. It is my burden that I've never really shared with anyone, not even my partner. It feels too personal to put down into text but the more of these posts I write I realize how cathartic it is to get it out there and share. I am going to follow up with part 2 this afternoon after I get done with one social situation that usually triggers a couple episodes of anxiety, the grocery store. Then I will discuss how I cope, how I mitigate and manage so that I can still get out of the house and get things done.

Refreshing New Neurosis! Dad issues anybody?

I am an admitted Mommas Boy and have been quoted as saying "My mother is an angel sent from heaven to show everyone else how it is supposed to be done." That being said... I have Dad issues too...

Yup, isn't it refreshing to have some problem to deal with that seems more 'mainstream'? I mean that should make it easier right? Wrong!

Here is the basis of my issue: he was an absentee dad and now lives two states away and never calls. I get lonely and miss him so I call and then he guilt trips me on how his children never call him, never mind the fact he has never picked up the phone to dial one of us. 

So I try to compensate, I text him. The last time I texted him was in 2011 to let him know I took an interest in our family genealogy. He never replied and so I haven't bothered. I even decided to be more active on the dreaded Facebook monster so we can feel connected but I have never received a message much less a 'like'. I texted him to let him know I was getting married to my partner of 5 years and his reply, verbatim, was 'Grate'. Which to me spells either disapproval or disinterest (isn't that pun Great?). Either way he isn't getting an invite and here is why.

Numerous time I have spoken with my father about how if we want a relationship it can be one of friends and it must be two ways. If I put myself out there to try and reach out and include him in my life the least he can do is reciprocate. Which has never happened. So I have fallen into a pattern that goes like this.

1. Miss Dad so I call him, Have a great talk and say we should keep in touch.
2. Dad never calls, I end up heated and hurt because I feel discarded.
3. Dad comes to town, never for the purpose of seeing his family but because he has business here. May as well see us. Gives 24 hour notice that I need to drop everything and show up. I go grudgingly and find that my cousins, aunts and uncles, and family friends are invited so there is no one-on-one in person. We make up and say we should call more often.
4. Dad never calls, I am now officially bitter, it has grown into a cold undying flame of anger.
5. Rinse and Repeat.

I have finally broken my cycle, though, because I have identified the problem. I never stick to my guns. I always say I am done extending the hand of friendship and each time I go back and do it again. What I am doing is making an agreement with myself, a promise, and I keep breaking it. I can't keep my own word when I give it to myself! How bad is that!? 

So the problem is I am continuing to do all the work even though I agreed I'd stop. It isn't that my Dad doesn't know how to call his kids, it isn't that he whines and mopes that we never call (even though we do, or did), it isn't that he likes to guilt us in the same attention seeking manner his parents used on him. It isn't all those thing because he is who he is and I will never change that. The only person I can control is me.

I am entering a new phase in my life. I am getting healthy and I am getting married then I will be working on becoming a homeowner and adopting two kids with my loving partner. If my father ever decides he wants a part of that he is welcome to come back into my life, he just has to choose to put some effort into it because it won't be a one sided relationship anymore. I am done punishing myself and it feels good.

Hopefully that means no more Dad Issues! I'll keep you updated on that though...

What is it that is making me so darn Anxious?

First off I'd like to explain when my anxiety spiral started and how it manifested in my life.

Outside my front door, if you know where to look.

In February of this year I was let go from my job. This is where the dramatic music begins in the background. Being let go is, by far, one of the hardest things to happen to me in a while and is still absolutely devastating when i think about it. I'd like to quickly add I was actually 'wrongfully discharged' according to the state of Oregon which is a small ego booster. I am still out of work, though, so the knowledge that I was not at fault is not much of a consolation prize but ultimately that just means I was fired because my boss hated me instead of performance reasons. Its like a game of emotional pick-your-poison.

Fast forward a bit; now I am at home, alone, and I have no idea how to pull my life back together. I am in a phase now where I am barely getting out of bed, I haven't worn 'people' clothes in weeks, my beard has grown about 4 inches in every direction and I smell. This generalized moping carries on for too long then I decide I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and I resolve to get up each day and clean and be the good  domestic helper my partner deserves.

Everything starts feeling fine, I have a routine again, until the panic attacks start. I don't know how you define a panic attack but here is what is is for me:

1. Heart rate increases
2. Overwhelming fear
3. Feeling of the room shrinking
4. Labored breathing
5. Feeling like I am dying...

In the middle of the day, when I am dusting, having a glass of water, it just didn't matter what I was doing they would strike at random. Usually it would pass in moments leaving a generalized sense of panic behind. Also, at about the same period of my life, I started to have an intense fear of dying. This fear was so extreme and prevalent, especially at night when I was lying in bed, that I was unable to fall asleep normally. I would keep busy into the small hours until I was so exhausted that I'd finally fall asleep.

I'd lay in bed and try to imagine what the worst case scenario about dying would be. For me, that was that I would die and there is no afterlife and I just cease to exist. I would try to imagine it, which is a conundrum because you can't visualize what it is like to be non existent. It was like trying to think about what it would be like if I didn't have a brain and therefore could not think... I started calling these the "Bad Thoughts" so I could even avoid talking about it in a direct way lest I start thinking them again.

That is my anxiety, that is what I am dealing with right now at home. That isn't even the full extent of it but it is what I am dealing with right now. Maybe you can sympathize with what I am feeling. Maybe you have a phobia, panic attacks, or maybe you've experienced the "Bad Thoughts" and you are looking for a way to cope. Well so am I... and I'd love to invite you on my journey. I am going to, each week, try something to help alleviate a specific phobia or fear that I have in some way. I will report back what my experiences are and hopefully it will give you an incentive to try it.