Stop it! No, Seriously, stop a minute... read this.

Take a minute and breathe.

All Photos are my own works.

I had to stop a moment, just now, because for just a moment the Portland drizzle let up and the clouds broke.. And with the blue sky to frame the clouds in the sky you have a point of reference to see how freaking fast they are whipping by!

My eyes opened wide and I stared like a goof for a solid minute then I fished out my phone for some photos.

It is really amazing how stopping for a minute and really appreciating the beauty of the world around me can make me feel as though my heart grew two sizes.

I find that so often I am hurdling though my day. I roll out of bed and fall into an outfit and stumble into my car. Impatiently and gracelessly I get to work as fast as possible even though I dread being stuck there. *clink clink clink* swing your pickaxe at the dry, rough, craggy earth of the corporate salt mine for 9 hours. Don't make eye contact, keep your head down until the whistle blows.

Barrel into traffic to see if I can make it across town for before a store closes make it there 5 minutes before they flip the sign… "did she really just glare at me and sigh for walking in here? Does she know what traffic is like!? Ugh.." Grab what you need and slap some money on the counter and dash, just freaking DASH to the next thing.

And… you get the picture. I am living bucket-loads of life man, can't you see that? I mean, it's low quality but I have a ton so that makes up, right?

I feel like this is one part how we live our lives and one part fear of death and a sprinkling of a hyper-speed society making me scurry just a little faster than needs be. When, in reality, I find that it is those moments that I don't think "why is this old lady chatting me up, I have NO time for this…" and instead know that I have time to be kind, I have time to engage and connect and appreciate and that will truly fill my day.

The best days that I can think of are those where I have been open and allowed myself to be swept up in the conversation. When I reach out to a stranger who is eyeballing a cherimoya in the produce department with a look of fear and trepidation and say "those are awesome, totally with a try" and give a big smile and a thumbs up I have fun.

It takes time, it takes effort but by god it makes life so much better. The problem is that you have to stop, you have to slow down, to be able to accomplish these little golden moments and that is hard. It is so hard to step out of the stream of this fast paced life that whips around us and just enjoy the clouds racing by.

P.S. The clouds are still whipping by but it is also sprinkling again but the golden morning sun is hitting the rain and making the world look like it is covered in a layer of gold cellophane.

Not gone... just thinking.

My dear friends,

I am not gone, I have just been busy... living life. Which, considering my previous posts, is a good thing.

I am arrived at the realization that anxiety doesn't just go away no matter how much you worked (past tense important) on it. It is about changing how you live your life, today, and every day forward wherein you work at it and acknowledge that life isn't always laid down for you, at your feet, like a red carpet. And who wants that anyhow.

I don't.

I want the trail, the brambles, the thorny way that pushes back. That nicks away at the unformed piece of clay we are to ourselves until, through challenge and heartache and persisting, I will be able to look into the mirror and see, truly and honestly, the real me.

So this blog isn't done... not by a long shot.

I am back.

Whether you would have me or not.

Refreshing New Neurosis! Dad issues anybody?

I am an admitted Mommas Boy and have been quoted as saying "My mother is an angel sent from heaven to show everyone else how it is supposed to be done." That being said... I have Dad issues too...

Yup, isn't it refreshing to have some problem to deal with that seems more 'mainstream'? I mean that should make it easier right? Wrong!

Here is the basis of my issue: he was an absentee dad and now lives two states away and never calls. I get lonely and miss him so I call and then he guilt trips me on how his children never call him, never mind the fact he has never picked up the phone to dial one of us. 

So I try to compensate, I text him. The last time I texted him was in 2011 to let him know I took an interest in our family genealogy. He never replied and so I haven't bothered. I even decided to be more active on the dreaded Facebook monster so we can feel connected but I have never received a message much less a 'like'. I texted him to let him know I was getting married to my partner of 5 years and his reply, verbatim, was 'Grate'. Which to me spells either disapproval or disinterest (isn't that pun Great?). Either way he isn't getting an invite and here is why.

Numerous time I have spoken with my father about how if we want a relationship it can be one of friends and it must be two ways. If I put myself out there to try and reach out and include him in my life the least he can do is reciprocate. Which has never happened. So I have fallen into a pattern that goes like this.

1. Miss Dad so I call him, Have a great talk and say we should keep in touch.
2. Dad never calls, I end up heated and hurt because I feel discarded.
3. Dad comes to town, never for the purpose of seeing his family but because he has business here. May as well see us. Gives 24 hour notice that I need to drop everything and show up. I go grudgingly and find that my cousins, aunts and uncles, and family friends are invited so there is no one-on-one in person. We make up and say we should call more often.
4. Dad never calls, I am now officially bitter, it has grown into a cold undying flame of anger.
5. Rinse and Repeat.

I have finally broken my cycle, though, because I have identified the problem. I never stick to my guns. I always say I am done extending the hand of friendship and each time I go back and do it again. What I am doing is making an agreement with myself, a promise, and I keep breaking it. I can't keep my own word when I give it to myself! How bad is that!? 

So the problem is I am continuing to do all the work even though I agreed I'd stop. It isn't that my Dad doesn't know how to call his kids, it isn't that he whines and mopes that we never call (even though we do, or did), it isn't that he likes to guilt us in the same attention seeking manner his parents used on him. It isn't all those thing because he is who he is and I will never change that. The only person I can control is me.

I am entering a new phase in my life. I am getting healthy and I am getting married then I will be working on becoming a homeowner and adopting two kids with my loving partner. If my father ever decides he wants a part of that he is welcome to come back into my life, he just has to choose to put some effort into it because it won't be a one sided relationship anymore. I am done punishing myself and it feels good.

Hopefully that means no more Dad Issues! I'll keep you updated on that though...