Refreshing New Neurosis! Dad issues anybody?

I am an admitted Mommas Boy and have been quoted as saying "My mother is an angel sent from heaven to show everyone else how it is supposed to be done." That being said... I have Dad issues too...

Yup, isn't it refreshing to have some problem to deal with that seems more 'mainstream'? I mean that should make it easier right? Wrong!

Here is the basis of my issue: he was an absentee dad and now lives two states away and never calls. I get lonely and miss him so I call and then he guilt trips me on how his children never call him, never mind the fact he has never picked up the phone to dial one of us. 

So I try to compensate, I text him. The last time I texted him was in 2011 to let him know I took an interest in our family genealogy. He never replied and so I haven't bothered. I even decided to be more active on the dreaded Facebook monster so we can feel connected but I have never received a message much less a 'like'. I texted him to let him know I was getting married to my partner of 5 years and his reply, verbatim, was 'Grate'. Which to me spells either disapproval or disinterest (isn't that pun Great?). Either way he isn't getting an invite and here is why.

Numerous time I have spoken with my father about how if we want a relationship it can be one of friends and it must be two ways. If I put myself out there to try and reach out and include him in my life the least he can do is reciprocate. Which has never happened. So I have fallen into a pattern that goes like this.

1. Miss Dad so I call him, Have a great talk and say we should keep in touch.
2. Dad never calls, I end up heated and hurt because I feel discarded.
3. Dad comes to town, never for the purpose of seeing his family but because he has business here. May as well see us. Gives 24 hour notice that I need to drop everything and show up. I go grudgingly and find that my cousins, aunts and uncles, and family friends are invited so there is no one-on-one in person. We make up and say we should call more often.
4. Dad never calls, I am now officially bitter, it has grown into a cold undying flame of anger.
5. Rinse and Repeat.

I have finally broken my cycle, though, because I have identified the problem. I never stick to my guns. I always say I am done extending the hand of friendship and each time I go back and do it again. What I am doing is making an agreement with myself, a promise, and I keep breaking it. I can't keep my own word when I give it to myself! How bad is that!? 

So the problem is I am continuing to do all the work even though I agreed I'd stop. It isn't that my Dad doesn't know how to call his kids, it isn't that he whines and mopes that we never call (even though we do, or did), it isn't that he likes to guilt us in the same attention seeking manner his parents used on him. It isn't all those thing because he is who he is and I will never change that. The only person I can control is me.

I am entering a new phase in my life. I am getting healthy and I am getting married then I will be working on becoming a homeowner and adopting two kids with my loving partner. If my father ever decides he wants a part of that he is welcome to come back into my life, he just has to choose to put some effort into it because it won't be a one sided relationship anymore. I am done punishing myself and it feels good.

Hopefully that means no more Dad Issues! I'll keep you updated on that though...

Stupid and desperate - Drinking to Cope

Yeah we've all had a lick of liquid courage to get through a rough spot but it isn't a healthy crutch.

Appropriate since I went to Bend... and to that brewery...

My mom invited me to go away with her this last weekend and I agreed. We were to leave same day and I was excited but that was short lived, of course. I started to panic. I was leaving my safety net, I was leaving my partner alone for the weekend, I was going to have to get to sleep alone and deal with the "Bad Thoughts" alone. 

It was mostly that one word, I felt 'Alone'. I was freaking out because I would have to go out into the middle of nowhere and be alone with my thoughts... you know what pumpkin? That should scare anybody. 

So here was my masterful frat-boy inspired plan. I would drink until the idea of leaving home didn't feel like it would make my heart explode and I'd like to level with you now. Wow that was a stupid idea and here is why: nobody is fooling anybody when you've had six hearty drinks. You are not 'passing' for normal people..

I immediately felt super self conscious about the fact I was three sheets to the wind and sitting next to my loving, adorable, awesome mother. "What shameful thing have I done?" I thought. "I'm a terrible person." I should explain that when I am that drunk I have an experience that is much like having a completely lucid person riding shotgun who is trying to talk sense into me or in this case, provide real time shame and regret for what I am unable to stop doing... (Side benefit, I never blackout, ever, I always remember in perfect detail what I did and said for-freaking-ever. Yay.)

So I came clean, I told her the thought of leaving home was so terrifying I drank. She said "Duh". So I went on to try to explain what I had been dealing with the last two months and I got to feel something new. Confiding in my mom meant she was able to open up to me about experiences she had and offer excelent advice. I felt stupid. If I had called her and said "I still want to go but I am freaking out, what do I do?" she would have explained and made it easy for me. 

I realised that most of my anxiety is centered around something that scares me that I am trying to keep secret from the world. When I can pluck up the courage to say "This freaks me and and here is why." someone has always been willing to help me and explain. Be honest with your feelings and they won't be able to blackmail you into making awful decisions. Like drinking before going on a three hour road trip with my mother...