Is this Social Anxiety? - Part 1

I am completely terrible at doing new things! Mostly because they scare me...

Portland City Hall, from Pioneer Courthouse Square

So what is it that keeps me from doing new things? Well I know it is a form of a social anxiety, or rather, anxiety brought on by social situations. I am not sure if that is the same thing or not but from the perspective of the person who is feeling it I'd have to say the difference is probably too small to fuss over. So what do I mean when I say, the very vague, statement "social settings make me anxious."? Here is an example of what it is like to be in my head and walking down the street.

"I hear laughing, are they laughing at me? No, they are pointing at something else. Oh my god, it's a group of very attractive people. I wish I looked like that, I am sure they are judging me, I want to crawl into a hole and escape to escape their attention..." The walking down the street diatribe that runs through my brain is a low buzzing sense of unease. It is mostly a combination of "how is everyone judging me?" and "I hate myself.". All-in-all it is fairly terrible for the self esteem. It is like having a snarky, degrading monkey riding my back at all times. So to sum up, I have insecurity issues.

All of this is fairly manageable and I still manage to go on walks fairly often despite what I have to put up with. The problem arises when I am with someone else and for this example I will be using my partner.

So I'm walking down the street with him and we are holding a light conversation all the while the Hate Monkey on my back is whispering into my ear, most of which, I push away and try to ignore. There are cars driving by and that noise gets added as well as the conversation from the people behind me, I begin to wonder if we are going too slowly and they'd like to pass us. I notice my clothes are chaffing and that mental 'Noise' gets added too. Eventually it can get to be so much I don't have enough attention to form a coherent thought any more and I start to unravel. And I haven't even started the anxiety portion yet.

Then he says "Let's go to this new restaurant!" and full blown anxiety starts in and I've realized most of it is caused from not knowing how this place works. Is it an order-wait-for-your-food type place, a 'sit down', is it expensive, will I know what to order, etcetera... it becomes so overwhelming I just say 'No, I don't want to go there.' and I start lying... fast and easy the excuses come: I don't like that kind of food, I really wanted 'x', I am not hungry and if I am called out on it then comes phase 2 of plan "don't step foot in there, its scary." I get angry and start an argument. 

I know this isn't healthy. I know I need to get a handle on it and I am trying to figure out how. All my life I have been using little stop-gap measures like the excuses to avoid being in situations like this rather than dealing with it. I am tired of being the person who is the downer, who always ruins the fun for others. I am done slapping bandages onto my hurt and I am ready to heal. There are some things that work and others that don't but I will be trying... It's when you stop trying and give in to despair that your anxiety rules you and I am done being subjugated by it.

This is a taste of what I deal with. It is my burden that I've never really shared with anyone, not even my partner. It feels too personal to put down into text but the more of these posts I write I realize how cathartic it is to get it out there and share. I am going to follow up with part 2 this afternoon after I get done with one social situation that usually triggers a couple episodes of anxiety, the grocery store. Then I will discuss how I cope, how I mitigate and manage so that I can still get out of the house and get things done.

Stupid and desperate - Drinking to Cope

Yeah we've all had a lick of liquid courage to get through a rough spot but it isn't a healthy crutch.

Appropriate since I went to Bend... and to that brewery...

My mom invited me to go away with her this last weekend and I agreed. We were to leave same day and I was excited but that was short lived, of course. I started to panic. I was leaving my safety net, I was leaving my partner alone for the weekend, I was going to have to get to sleep alone and deal with the "Bad Thoughts" alone. 

It was mostly that one word, I felt 'Alone'. I was freaking out because I would have to go out into the middle of nowhere and be alone with my thoughts... you know what pumpkin? That should scare anybody. 

So here was my masterful frat-boy inspired plan. I would drink until the idea of leaving home didn't feel like it would make my heart explode and I'd like to level with you now. Wow that was a stupid idea and here is why: nobody is fooling anybody when you've had six hearty drinks. You are not 'passing' for normal people..

I immediately felt super self conscious about the fact I was three sheets to the wind and sitting next to my loving, adorable, awesome mother. "What shameful thing have I done?" I thought. "I'm a terrible person." I should explain that when I am that drunk I have an experience that is much like having a completely lucid person riding shotgun who is trying to talk sense into me or in this case, provide real time shame and regret for what I am unable to stop doing... (Side benefit, I never blackout, ever, I always remember in perfect detail what I did and said for-freaking-ever. Yay.)

So I came clean, I told her the thought of leaving home was so terrifying I drank. She said "Duh". So I went on to try to explain what I had been dealing with the last two months and I got to feel something new. Confiding in my mom meant she was able to open up to me about experiences she had and offer excelent advice. I felt stupid. If I had called her and said "I still want to go but I am freaking out, what do I do?" she would have explained and made it easy for me. 

I realised that most of my anxiety is centered around something that scares me that I am trying to keep secret from the world. When I can pluck up the courage to say "This freaks me and and here is why." someone has always been willing to help me and explain. Be honest with your feelings and they won't be able to blackmail you into making awful decisions. Like drinking before going on a three hour road trip with my mother...

Personal Progress: Make Goals - The Bakery

Have you asked yourself "What am I doing that is different?" because you should.

I know what it is like to be stuck in a rut, what it is like to be floundering between angsty hopelessness and abject boredom. Up until now I have never done anything about it and that is changing. Here is my thought process.

 I am living in abject fear with life the way it is now so why should changing something throw the planet out of orbit?

Boredom; this will sound like a Forrest Gump quote but my mother told me something when I was very young that has stuck with me forever. "Bored people are boring people, they aren't interesting enough to even figure out how to entertain themselves." Here is the thing, I am not boring. I am riddled with neurosis so at the very least I am not boring! I can fix this. 

Anxiety; what are you doing right now. Has that magically stopped the anxiety and panic attacks? No? What do you have to lose by changing something in your life? Nothing! 

So what am I doing at home bored if I'm not a boring person and anxious but doing nothing about it? For me the only answer is to get active and force myself to do new things. Obviously I am going to start small. This time I decided to walk to the French Bakery and buy something. That's all, I always walk by and never go there because I never have gone there before (find the logic in that). 

Set small manageable goals that you can accomplish once every week or two. If you are feeling more adventurous then try two or more each week. Make sure you are getting out of your house and experiencing life. Living your live means experiencing it, get out there and make yours memorable.

The dreaded "Bad Thoughts"

How do you even start coping with a fear of death?

Oh Miss Portlandia, how foreboding.

So as I mentioned in my first post I have been experiencing something I have been calling the "Bad Thoughts". I am so afraid of these thoughts and what they represent to me I gave them a name a two year old might use and, frankly, that's a bad sign.

The "Bad Thoughts" as I briefly mentioned go as follows. 

1. Onset of general anxiety usually near bedtime.
2. Thinking about dying.
3. Trying to imagine what it would be like to experience the phenomenon of not existing anymore.
4. Experience the emotional feedback loop of continuously thinking about what it would be like if I didn't think anymore...
5. Repeat 4 until you cry or vomit or both.

I remember being one of those people who used to think that suicidal tendencies in other was a sign of weakness and that clearly anyone who thought about ending themselves was weak willed. I thought about dying and recoiled at the thought and I just put it out of mind. (My family can do wonders to elevate the art of emotional suppression to a new level.) The first time I experienced the "Bad Thoughts" was actually about ten years ago, during high school, and I have simply ignored it until it became a beast I could not contain anymore. 

This is what scares me. I never have the "Bad Thoughts" during the day until that one morning... I was well into my kick of being the model of domesticity and was dusting nick nacks that we have about the house in the middle of the day. I looked down and some rock that we picked up on a trip to the beach, remembering the trip fondly, then at some other tchotchkes and remembering the attached bit of memory there as well. Then it struck me that the only reason these worthless rocks are even valuable to me is due to the emotional attachment I have created and linked to memories in the past. Then I asked that scary question... 

"What's the point?" 

I'll keep them till I die, them my kids may care enough to hold on to some of them but beyond that? Why am I bothering with these stupid trifles that mean nothing, material possessions mean nothing then? Since when I die I take the only important thing, my memories, with me right? Gone! All in an instant. Again,

"What is the point?"

Well I guess the joke's on me because for the first time ever I felt like I should just die now and not waste the time. Then I remember feeling like I woke from some eery revery and I was appalled. I thought about ending it! What is wrong with me? Then something else sank in that was harrowing... it is sunny out, it's noon... that means that at no time am I safe from these haunting thoughts unless I did something to take my life back from fear.

Why, you may ask, am I sharing this? I decided in that moment to share my fear with my partner and my mother for the first time. I hadn't been sleeping much for nearly a month and a half at this point. I talked to them and found that working some of that out, and out-loud, made it less scary and more manageable. I also found that I had a caring support network around me in my family.

That said I am sitting here writing this instead of sleeping because I feel the anxiety again and is scares me. So I am trying to pour some of it out here. I'd also like to take a moment to recognize that this really isn't a journey I should be taking on my own. I am, however, still unemployed and therapy is out of my means right now. I recommend that if you are in a position to be able to get therapy and you are dealing with things like this, please, do it. There is no shame in it, we all need help from time to time and there isn't a person alive who doesn't have some baggage they wish they didn't have to deal with. 

I still have the anxiety but life is worth living again. I could share with you what my realization was that made life worth living but that won't help you. What are your reasons for enjoying each day to it's fullest? Find it, say it out loud, get excited about it, share it with your loved ones, share it with a stranger. I have so many fears I have a hard time getting pumped about getting out of my door but I realized that what makes life worth living is out there, in the world, waiting for me. So open up, bearing the burden of your fear alone is devastating and isolating. I have learned that tons people have dealt with something like this at some point in their lives or they will. Don't be embarrassed because you are not alone. I mean, you at least have me right?

What is it that is making me so darn Anxious?

First off I'd like to explain when my anxiety spiral started and how it manifested in my life.

Outside my front door, if you know where to look.

In February of this year I was let go from my job. This is where the dramatic music begins in the background. Being let go is, by far, one of the hardest things to happen to me in a while and is still absolutely devastating when i think about it. I'd like to quickly add I was actually 'wrongfully discharged' according to the state of Oregon which is a small ego booster. I am still out of work, though, so the knowledge that I was not at fault is not much of a consolation prize but ultimately that just means I was fired because my boss hated me instead of performance reasons. Its like a game of emotional pick-your-poison.

Fast forward a bit; now I am at home, alone, and I have no idea how to pull my life back together. I am in a phase now where I am barely getting out of bed, I haven't worn 'people' clothes in weeks, my beard has grown about 4 inches in every direction and I smell. This generalized moping carries on for too long then I decide I am tired of feeling sorry for myself and I resolve to get up each day and clean and be the good  domestic helper my partner deserves.

Everything starts feeling fine, I have a routine again, until the panic attacks start. I don't know how you define a panic attack but here is what is is for me:

1. Heart rate increases
2. Overwhelming fear
3. Feeling of the room shrinking
4. Labored breathing
5. Feeling like I am dying...

In the middle of the day, when I am dusting, having a glass of water, it just didn't matter what I was doing they would strike at random. Usually it would pass in moments leaving a generalized sense of panic behind. Also, at about the same period of my life, I started to have an intense fear of dying. This fear was so extreme and prevalent, especially at night when I was lying in bed, that I was unable to fall asleep normally. I would keep busy into the small hours until I was so exhausted that I'd finally fall asleep.

I'd lay in bed and try to imagine what the worst case scenario about dying would be. For me, that was that I would die and there is no afterlife and I just cease to exist. I would try to imagine it, which is a conundrum because you can't visualize what it is like to be non existent. It was like trying to think about what it would be like if I didn't have a brain and therefore could not think... I started calling these the "Bad Thoughts" so I could even avoid talking about it in a direct way lest I start thinking them again.

That is my anxiety, that is what I am dealing with right now at home. That isn't even the full extent of it but it is what I am dealing with right now. Maybe you can sympathize with what I am feeling. Maybe you have a phobia, panic attacks, or maybe you've experienced the "Bad Thoughts" and you are looking for a way to cope. Well so am I... and I'd love to invite you on my journey. I am going to, each week, try something to help alleviate a specific phobia or fear that I have in some way. I will report back what my experiences are and hopefully it will give you an incentive to try it.